I am going to look into a therapist specializing in OCD, I am suffering

I’ve been reading Kolk’s “The Body Keeps the Score” and I think my experiences with my angry father were more traumatic than I once thought.

Combined with OCD, anxiety, depression when I moved away to college, and outside stressors (deaths of people close to me) my brain hasn’t felt in a normal state for like a decade

And Kolk’s research shows three general phases of what our bodies do during traumatic events:

1. We first reach out for social engagement – we cry in hopes someone will notice our distress, we’ll scream, we’ll wince, call out for help

If no one comes to our aid:

2. we go into fight-or-flight mode. We try to flee, escape the scene, the thing or person, or if we can’t run we flight, claw, scratch, kick

But again, if we are unable to flee, like trapped physically, environmentally, or mentally, or if we can’t fight back, like we’re not strong enough or don’t want to risk angering someone further:

3. We dissociate/collapse. Our brain can’t handle the traumatic event occurring. We try and hide away the pain and fear, anger, shame, etc. so it gets blocked out as best it can

So as best it can, our brain tries to constantly hide away the event. It’s trying to suppress the memory, it’s sometimes reliving the traumatic event, it’s trying to be alert for current possible threats, trying to maintain a normal outward appearance.

And then you’re telling me I have to get a job, work to keep up relationships outside of my family, not only eat but eat WELL and ENOUGH but NOT TOO MUCH but I have to stay HEALTHY and EXERCISE but I am UNDERWEIGHT because I am ANXIOUS and cannot eat

So yah my dad had a temper when we were kids. Can’t get into it now without crying lol

But in relation to Kolk’s 3-stage processing of trauma:

1. My calls for outward social support fell on deaf ears and my tears flowed in front of blind eyes. my mom was not going to intervene, I know he would have gotten angry at her.
2. I could not fight my dad, didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t get away, I couldn’t leave, I had to just fucking take his yelling. I was trapped

And I’ve had the worst couple of weeks I’ve had in a while, stress wise. Everything is piling up

So yeah I need help

Thought it was normal to worry all the time, thought everything my dad said was like THE way do it

Then I’m like oh shucks this is anxiety, this sucks

Then I get diagnosed with OCD – yes OKAY now we are talking!!! That’s it bb

and in addition to just everything, I realized that i did experience trauma when I was younger. Trauma as a kid can take the form of a verbal assault; a loud and irrational temper from a parent that I didn’t often see through the week

ANYWAY thanks for listening. I’m not a psychologist but my brain is so so tired