‘Moving to New York’ is not one thing you do; it is a lot of little things. And each little things can be broken down further. There are several steps ‘ones’ in the process.

Linearly, it’s tricky. Finding somewhere to live? Sort of hard, but I did message my aunt.

I don’t know what I wanted to write when I first started writing. ‘I’ll write about my anxiety or my plans to move to New York, or my anxiety, or my trouble with my sister, or my insomnia and anxiety.

I’m currently watching A Quiet Place: Day One as I’m writing this. I bought this website to write about, the death and birth of the old to new “Me.” I haven’t yet made a final decision on how I’ll refer to myself in this blog.

I haven’t been sleeping well, or even good, for about 6 months now. I’ve been anxious, and physically sick. I haven’t been taking care of my psyche. I work a job [I dont’t mind] at a company that’s just plain awful [I mind] but am living at home with my parents. My commute is nothing, I don’t pay rent. Most of my food is paid for, I have a smoking habit [weed.]

But I know if I lived by myself, I wouldn’t be fiending for weed, I wouldn’t be smoking as often. There are maybe a handful of benefits to smoking while I can think of many more to stopping.

I want to do good in this world, I want to make the world a better place, even for one person. And I’m not doing that. I’m not doing anything besides supporting my friend’s music career. My job is actively lying to clients and overcharging, and it’s deplorable. But what’s messed up is my gov’t is even more corrupt, and it actually hurts my heart and my chest when the right things aren’t being done.

I almost have a hard time writing it. There is too much money in too few bank accounts, and mostly everyone I know is suffering.

‘But that’s not what the blog is about, you said you would write about xyz tonight’

I should and will write about what I need or want to. This is for no one. Obviously you think ‘hey, Hyperbole and a Half’ got really famous, what if you get famous and people will love what you write’ and then I think ‘oh then I should write well and have good content’ but what’s the point of writing for an imaginary audience, you know?

That doesn’t serve anyone.

I half weaned myself off an anxiety medication, Gabapentin. I physically don’t feel well, my chest aches.

I’m anxious mostly because of the rift with my sister – I asked her to do something less than a favor, and she said no. She also, while driving me, and with me awake and conscious as her passenger, she picked up her phone and read a text message, that was a few sentences long.

Within such a short time, she went from my best friend to someone I wouldn’t be friends with. I’m tired of how she takes advantage of the love we have for her dog, that my parents often watch.

That really exceptionally hurts. I don’t hesitate to admit I relied on her a bit for socialization when we were younger.

Things have been rough socially here. My best friend died in 2021. I wasn’t living in that area anymore, but I hadn’t had a friend group here in so long. I’ve been in two unhealthy relationships, I haven’t really wanted to spend time with anyone outside of my family.

I like spending time with my family, I love it. And the expectations are low. I’m used to it.

So what can be considered a great thing, I don’t have anyone here that I’ll miss too terribly. I won’t be tremendously sad, and I won’t have people knocking on my door to come and visit.

There are a lot of jobs in New York. There is a lot of food in New York, a lot of walking. If I get a job there, before I live there, I can take a train and listen to music/my books.

I don’t have to have things solved. It’s okay and normal to not know what I want. But I have a clearer idea than I did five years ago, and then even just a year ago, and even last week.

I’m in a great position to get to where I want to be. I have the support of a lot of people. I have people I can call my friends. I have a job, a bed. I do have certain standards, I’m not dating anyone. There are a lot of women in NYC. I can dress and wear whatever I want, I don’t have to worry about my family. I can dress and do my hair however I want.

I don’t have to be the ‘posh’, I can wear my hair short.

I will fit right in in New York, and no one will look twice at me.

I have to find a way to have a room to fit my queen-sized bed, I’m thinking one of those loft-type one there bed is on top and there is room for activities below.

I send gifs of Fast and Furious movies to my friend during work, like alllllllllllllllllllllll the time.

It really makes me laugh.

I’ve been playing a lot of Hades lately, and I picked up my ‘The CopyEditor’s Handbook’ that I actually started reading [definitely did not hit page 4, yet]

I think my mind and body know I’m restless, they know I’m spinning my wheels.

[Bluey is now playing, big fan]

I’m not spinning my wheels though. I’m spending time with my family and saving money.

Hitting publish. Hoping to sleep better. Good night.