About maybe nothing in particular. I’m writing this as I started LOTR: The Two Towers.

I got my hair cut today and was chatting with the stylist, who is someone I think I’d like to be friends with.

When you first get out your computer to write, it’s usually with a purpose. But between the act of thought, acceptance, opening the laptop, setting up the HDMI, you suddenly lose that track of thought. And then you think ‘oh gosh no, what do I write about, I must write about something/’

I could write about the movie I just watched, Where the Crawdads Sing. Beautiful film, I cried my eyes out at the end. Beautiful. It is hard to do but I am trying very hard not to think in advance of what I’m going to write. I don’t want to know where I Want to end up at, maybe just ntoice I am there when I arrive.

‘Be where your feet are’ is something I heard somewhere’ and is nice to hear in theory, but harder to do. Everything seems hard. ‘Choose your hard.’

The life I want to live, it’s available to me. Living in a walkable city, with a community, doing a love that I really enjoy, being a train ride away from Mom and Dad, doing something HUGE. I was the first of my sisters to travel far for college, three hours away. I would not be the first of my sisters to live outside the state, but I don’t really count my younger sister’s time in her city.

The dark and early cold are going to be hard. I might have to look real hard to find greenery.

I would have to get a loft set-up for my queen-sized bed, I think I touched on that last post.

I am very very lucky to report I have a good friend in my life, whom I can call at a moment’s notice, and if available, he would pick up.

He’s a good friend. He’s made my world a lot bigger, and has given me a lot of perspective. I consider myself lucky.

It’s a difficult thing to decipher and address – and I don’t know if they could even be considered feelings. I find myself thinking about him often.

I have been having some crazy dreams lately. Turns out, if you own a Ferrari, letting other people drive it can be a huge liability. That may only be true in my dreams.

I sometimes don’t feel like I have or add value. I often think because I am not ‘doing’ anything with my life that I don’t have anything to say or add. I can and do talk about books, movies, video games. I value my family, but I guess I should be doing more with my life.

According to whom?

Myself. I know I should, and I want to. It feels like such a big switch, a big flip, that it would be an unknown world. Living at my full potential. Doing my part to do good in this world. I hate the world we live in, but I don’t do anything to change it.

I have done some volunteering, I more than help out my parents and do what I am able to. I am growing every day, I am learning how to be a better person and daughter.

Being the person I want to be doesn’t happen overnight. It cannot. And while it can be normal to be stressful about an unjust world, it should not consume my soul.

I don’t want to say it’s enough to want to care, and change, and act, because it’s often not.

Getting here, to the point where I’m writing this, messaging about moving, telling people I want to move, planning my resignation letter. It’s not easy, my chest still hurts.

I don’t yet know how best to serve ‘me’. Because future Me isn’t enough, and present Me is a little less than inept. It’s all the same Me.

I separate myself, I don’t feel like I own my actions, the things I do matter to me, make waves for me. My mind, body, soul, spirit, psyche, all are sort of scattered. I am not continuous. Or, I don’t feel that way.

I feel like a table lamp, but simultaneously, in the box still, to be assembled, then together in one piece, then shattered on the floor. Do I sweep up the chards? Do I sculpt the glass? Am I the lamp? How do I care for this lamp. Am I still in the box? Have I been shattered and broken yet? Do I have to sweep?

Maybe I’ll strike that from the record later. I just, admit I feel at a loss. And even admitting that feels like losing.

I feel like I’m inside the lamp too?

FRAGILE. Maybe I’m an Italian lamp.