What to do, what to do?

Comparatively, I did a lot today, I shoveled, for hours, to remove hundreds of cubic feet of snow, and most of my body is sore. I cleaned up the kitchen, I helped Mom get out the Christmas tree holder, I helped with the dog, I did some research on my job searching.

But it’s not even 6 PM yet, and I guess I am tired, but feeling a little void. Feelings like I don’t want to do anything. Depression?

Mayhaps. I can’t sit and do nothing for my entire life, I feel like I’ve been doing that up until now.

I did not sleep great last night, and I did a lot of shoveling and intense physical exercise. My feet hurt, my back soon hurts, my arms hurt. So it will be okay if I take it easier tonight.

Last night I felt at odds about staying at home, playing Stardew, hanging out with my parents. I love my parents, and I love hanging out with my Mom, and I love playing Stardew. But that can’t be every Saturday night of the decade of my life I call my thirties.

Knowing I have to make a change, feeling the effects of it, the potential energy. It’s taking an effect on me.

I wouldn’t be this anxious or restless if I didn’t know I can do great things, I can contribute to a better company, do more good.

Knowing I can go anywhere and do almost anything, and I’m in a good position to do so, and I have a good support system, I have some good friends.

I keep thinking that my mental state, the problem I’m trying to come over, this hurdle, it can be simply solved once I ‘figure out’ my life, when I start living it. And I’m sure I will feel better.

It’s not enough to know I’m not doing enough. I think feeling this way is a good sign, it’s a good little, ‘warning light,’ I suppose. Life is growing, and I am still growing and learning every day, I hope to learn and grow every day. Part of growing is being uncomfortable, and they say success is not a straight line. It’s still pointing up, looking up. A plateau is a good base to grow things up, to plant seeds. Build a good foundation. Have to start somewhere.