Things are getting weird at work. Things got weird with my friend. Things got weird with my friend with benefits [different friend].

I can’t lie, I have been thinking way too much about my one friend, I’ll call him B, for short. I know it’s a big internet and he won’t ever read this, so ‘B’ is going to have to do.

It feels odd not talking to him. We got close.

We would both be lying so straight up if we said the other wasn’t attractive. We know it, we’ve told each other, here and there, sporadically. And again we would be lying if we each didn’t 1) know and 2) tell each other we had qualities of people we like.

More than once, but not more than four times have I relistened to one of his audio messages, where he said, that I’m someone any guy would be lucky to have.

For reasons warranted, that won’t be delved into, I established early on that I didn’t want to date, or anything more than platonic with him. Considering our circumstances and physical inproximities, that might not have even been in the cards. [It was not as if he asked me to, to establish that.]

How dumb would it be for me to right now say, sometimes I’ve imagined kissing him?

“Why am I even writing this, or about this?”

“There are no rules.“

Well, anyway, a couple months ago he got a girlfriend, which is great. I am most happy for him. A few times, we’ve said ‘oh, we’ll catch up, soon’ but haven’t really. And of course I miss talking to/with him, but I mean, if I had a hot girlfriend, I’d probably be spending my time with her instead of messaging some girl across the world. [I haven’t seen a picture of her, but he seems the type to have a hot girlfriend]

Gosh it feels so cheesy to say that him and I come from different worlds, but that’s so spot on. Each and every way our lives could have been different, they practically have. He’s really opened up my world, it’s been life-changing getting to know him.

The good things about feelings and thoughts, and something I still have yet to learn and apply, is that they are often fleeting, and not real. So just because I’m having these feelings doesn’t mean he is. But then, but wait, there’s more! That doesn’t mean he’s not feeling the same way.

I am sure we’ll get in touch again soon, but for now, I’m leaving it to him. Last weekend I told him I have some days off, and asked if he wanted to catch up, to which he kind of just ignored, or stepped around. I guess better than a direct ‘no’ but I know that neither he, nor anyone else, owes me anything, even their time or tongue.

I just remember it feeling really good to stay up way too late at night with him, sending voice messages back and forth, spanning thousands of miles, round-trip, across several time zones.

It’s pointless to contemplate how he could feel about me. For a few reasons, like, it could change by the day, or he could feel nothing at all about me [that’s not true] [[that’s not true]], or I wouldn’t want to know, anyways. It doesn’t matter because it’s not my life.

I’m not thinking he’s thinking of kissing me, too. I’m only thinking, not hoping, he likes some part of me. Because I like some part of him.

Do I? Do I just miss his attention? No, I don’t think I miss his attention, I do just miss talking to him. I miss catching up. I miss having someone there, someone to give dumb nicknames to, someone I could laugh with, someone that could and would call me out, someone who could be gentle with me yet straight with me.

Believe it or not, I was not really thinking of B when I sat down to write, I don’t think. Isn’t that odd.