DEADPENNY (in the Mortal Coil)

• Looked at my credit statement
• activated my new Amex credit card
• Cancelled my kindle subscription
• Cancelled my Peacock TV subscription
• Made my car payment [plus some]
• IMPORTANT ADDITION:
  • Realized I can’t pay a car financing payment with a credit card lmaoooowow
  • Realized it just means I have to plan out and buy all of my things now, on this credit card [I got it
• Added my new CC to my car insurance auto-pay
• Ordered contacts

So, you bought a website. You took the largest chocolate mushroom trip you’ve taken to date, alone, and had an epiphany [as one does].

you thought of starting a self-sevelopment project, and had always known you wanted to start a blog. You like to write, you think the idea of blogs are cool. Hyperbole and a Half was the absolute sh*t.

So you thought of a domain name, and then you bought it. You established anonymity off the bat, and you really haven’t found out how to do the fancy links. Type and post, type and post.

You surprisingly don’t really even [yet?] edit your posts. And you expect to write daily, establish your life. Be the blogger you wanted to be, to write about. To be the author of the blogs you liked.

But that’s not the life I live, so how can I write about it? Why choose to live a life of displeasure only to write about it?

I love my life, I do. Aside from my job, but my job has changed my life indirectly.

You shouldn’t nickname your own things, but I am, for lack of a better term, designating this the ‘Seinfeld’ blog, mixed with a bit of ‘Whose Line is it Anyway?’ [the original, of course, don’t make me specify] but not the part about things being made up but the part where the points don’t matter [there are no points, thus they do not matter]

This is going to be my blog.

“So you think you can end a blog post with ‘This is going to be my blog.’? Think again, punk.”

Do you need an autopsy performed? To see what I’m made of?

Would you like the usual Y-cut? Unsure if I can cut through my sternum.

To see the person that you can’t see on the outside. Pull me apart, dissect and put back like nothing happened. It’s fine. The scar will heal. Not anytime soon.

see what I’m made of.

I am going to look into a therapist specializing in OCD, I am suffering

I’ve been reading Kolk’s “The Body Keeps the Score” and I think my experiences with my angry father were more traumatic than I once thought.

Combined with OCD, anxiety, depression when I moved away to college, and outside stressors (deaths of people close to me) my brain hasn’t felt in a normal state for like a decade

And Kolk’s research shows three general phases of what our bodies do during traumatic events:

1. We first reach out for social engagement – we cry in hopes someone will notice our distress, we’ll scream, we’ll wince, call out for help

If no one comes to our aid:

2. we go into fight-or-flight mode. We try to flee, escape the scene, the thing or person, or if we can’t run we flight, claw, scratch, kick

But again, if we are unable to flee, like trapped physically, environmentally, or mentally, or if we can’t fight back, like we’re not strong enough or don’t want to risk angering someone further:

3. We dissociate/collapse. Our brain can’t handle the traumatic event occurring. We try and hide away the pain and fear, anger, shame, etc. so it gets blocked out as best it can

So as best it can, our brain tries to constantly hide away the event. It’s trying to suppress the memory, it’s sometimes reliving the traumatic event, it’s trying to be alert for current possible threats, trying to maintain a normal outward appearance.

And then you’re telling me I have to get a job, work to keep up relationships outside of my family, not only eat but eat WELL and ENOUGH but NOT TOO MUCH but I have to stay HEALTHY and EXERCISE but I am UNDERWEIGHT because I am ANXIOUS and cannot eat

So yah my dad had a temper when we were kids. Can’t get into it now without crying lol

But in relation to Kolk’s 3-stage processing of trauma:

1. My calls for outward social support fell on deaf ears and my tears flowed in front of blind eyes. my mom was not going to intervene, I know he would have gotten angry at her.
2. I could not fight my dad, didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t get away, I couldn’t leave, I had to just fucking take his yelling. I was trapped

And I’ve had the worst couple of weeks I’ve had in a while, stress wise. Everything is piling up

So yeah I need help

Thought it was normal to worry all the time, thought everything my dad said was like THE way do it

Then I’m like oh shucks this is anxiety, this sucks

Then I get diagnosed with OCD – yes OKAY now we are talking!!! That’s it bb

and in addition to just everything, I realized that i did experience trauma when I was younger. Trauma as a kid can take the form of a verbal assault; a loud and irrational temper from a parent that I didn’t often see through the week

ANYWAY thanks for listening. I’m not a psychologist but my brain is so so tired

I recently (within the past year) have gotten heavily into music. I started a new office job, and it is mostly menial work. I brought in noise cancelling headphones and first listened to the music I know and love.

But you can’t listen to music you love while doing work you don’t like. So I stopped that.

I tried podcasts! I tried the Stuff You Should Know (would recommend!) I tried crime true (lol) but could not pay attention to any of it

My music tastes have since dramatically evolved. I started listening to Tyler, the Creator because of hearing his new album while in the car with my younger sister (owe her one)

I then listened to people he featured, I got really into Kendrick Lamar, I got heavily into some other bands, will not mention.

I delved into a new world of rap that I didn’t know existed; I explored and explored and found a niche of artists I love – and they work often work together!

There is this artist that is actually two (or three?) other artists together!

AND! The artist (of the 2/3 artists) created an album with another artist I’m starting to love

So it all comes together when I find a new song, and immediately – the first bar hooks me. The vocals – outstanding – they are just, at you, it’s beautiful. His voice, his lyrics, mind.

I’ve listened to [a lot] of hours of music over the last year, and hundreds of artists, and I can think of few that could hold a candle to him.

His tracks alone are phenom, and his features are the feature.

So I knew I had to have some of his merch and see if he was on tour. I know I am saving money, but I need to see him.

So I search for him online, try to find his website maybe to find tour dates – nothing. Can’t find merch. Other artists he’s worked with have websites/a heavier presence.

He has an album out on Apple Music, several singles and several features

I finally find an account on IG that seems to be it. I write a short message [PARAPHRASED] ‘hi, is this really ARTIST?! Sorry to bother, my name is Penny; looking for info on tour/merch, could you please help a girl out? Thank you!”

I send the message! And I don’t hear back

for a while

And he writes back! He lets me know he doesn’t yet have merch yet, and he is not a full-time musician.

Do you believe me when I say I didn’t believe him? Too talented

Well it’s really true. we talked a little more, i gave him an out if he wanted it, but we kept talking

found out we’re the same age

found out we essentially have the same name [male/female version] of the name

and he says ‘this means we have to be friends you know that right?’

So that made me smile! So we messaged back and forth for a bit, like how’s your day, what’s for dinner, how is music, etc

Learned about each other’s backgrounds – could not be more different. Oh and he lives in another continent! 7 hours time difference, kind of rough

He sleeps odd hours but still it’s not the most convenient but still fun

So I think we’re just about past the initial stage and are like officially real friends

which is absolutely crazy because i am just so so so so so so so enthralled with his music – i am telling you – this guy is magic

For my privacy sake and his I don’t want to name him though I would love for everyone to hear him

So I think that’s really cool. I’m listening to his music, his album as I am messaging him. Very cool.

Thank you for reading.

I have to realize that I did not cause my friend’s bad mood to start [i factually mentioned what happened] I cannot cure it, and I cannot control it.

So I will get out of his way, get off his back, and on with my life.

Which now includes talking with a musician that I downright love. Wow.

I’ve never been so entranced with music, and just hooked

And if we each wanted to be more than friends. I’ll happily get into details later but I feel like I lost a friend and that really sucks !!! Because !!! My best friend!!! Died!!!!!!!!!! And it’s not !!! ENJOYABLE TO LOSE PEOPLE!!!!

He’s hot though. Tattoos. My type. Goddamn.

The gentleman, Rob (fake name; keep up) and I are meeting tomorrow. We have plans to meet up, and things will happen.

My good good friend irl knows the situation, and she’ll know the location of where we will be meeting, if by chance I go missing

In order to do IT, YOU HAVE TO DO IT

YOU WANT IT TO BE DONE

AND TBR ONLY WAY IT CAN AND WILL GRT DONE IS IF YOU DO IT

SO YOU HAVE TO DO IT

In oRFRRT TO BE WHO YOI WANT TO BE, YOU HAVE TK DO WHAT THEH DO

You HAVE TO TRAVEL TO A DISTANT CITY TO DATE A HOT IRISH MAN

Okay, Tuesday evening. I am driving to [CITY] for dinner/drinks. With a hot, [NATIONALITY] older successful gentlemen who will treat me to a nice evening! I have to finish this later bc I am just so excited