DEADPENNY (in the Mortal Coil)

Well, later can be now, you know? I now kind of know. I looked at my laptop as if to get it and said “I’ll blog about it later” but if I always say that when I look at my laptop, then no writing will get done.

Okay, things are hard. Have I posted that I was broken up with? This is a terrible feeling! Wow! I’ve never been broken up with, and wow, oof. I had cried a lot, a lot. I handled it rather well; I accepted it and went to sit on the curb, sat on the curb and then sat onto the ground. (Ex-boyfriend is Kenny)

Kenny: What are you doing?

Me: Sitting, I am just sitting.

He told me I could do whatever I wanted with his robe (first, objectively, thank you, because it’s a nice robe.) (He lent it to me to keep in bed and cuddle with) Also!! I was going to mention (in the blog) it was a rather nice robe but I didn’t want to mention its niceness to allude to the fact that he works out and has a nice paying job. That’s a fact of life, it may not tie in or help to connect any dots in the future, but it’s true so why not write it? Already in the non-fiction section, bro!

OH and he earlier gave me his bottle of cologne that was about a 6th of the way empty, so I would spray it with cologne to smell like him.

I told him, just then in the parking lot, that I will give it back to him. We weren’t far from my house, so I started to walk back. He asked if I wanted a ride in the car, and I said no, but if you want to drive there so you won’t have to walk back, you should. [he said some inspiring or something shit just here]

And he said no, I’ll walk with you. So we’re walking up the street, Ik’m on the left and I start walking faster just to get it all over with, we’re not talking.

He waits at the street corner of my house, I go inside, I basically throw myself in side; “Kenny broke up with meeeeee” and I’m wailing for a second. My parents were both very surprised, mom was shocked. I get his things from my room, am walking back outside. I hand them to him, he says a few things but I can’t really hear or pay attention because of what’s happening in my brain??

He’s saying like, “you’re going to do great and save up for retirement and do great things” And I just look kinda around him, not really at him, and I say “thank you for the kind words and advise.” I start walking away slow.

He says “are you okay? You look weird” and I nidded and said yes,

I go inside and sit on the floot, put my phone next to me. He calls, asks if I can come meet him at the street. I agree and walk down’ he;s not there yet, I am standing, bent in half, my hands on my knees, and i am suffering. I am nearly and qietly wailing, I am distraught. He comes up and I ask, “What can I do for you?” with a smile on my crying face

he tells me he hopes I understand he didn’t mean anything when he said I looked weird, he didn’t mean it in a negative way, just in a different way. And I don’t remember exsctly what I said, but I just nodded and said, no it’s fine. I get it.

And he says “he didn’t want to burn the bridge” and I say,

“you didn’t burn it; the bridge just isn’t there anymore.” and I turned and went inside, he said

“take care” or something, and I agreed, or whatever.

We had shared our location with each other a little bit ago, and I looked at his location for two minutes, saw he waited in his car for two minutes before leaving. I then turned off my location serving with him, I stopped looking at his (like I unfollowed him or whatever you do) and I deleted his texts, and his contact. I still have to go through my photos.

This is overwhelming – being on my own. Having to “do life” by myself. I stayed in this area because we may have needed to move somewhere closer to [STATE] for his job. My previous relationship – moved to [CITY] for his job.

To phrase it bluntly, I had a quick turnaround for serious boyfriends. I was never on my own for too long, at least not with the ability, and the money and the lack of strings tying me here.

I could work on a fishing boat, I could move to Vegas. I could work as a firefighter, I could run a marathon. I know what I could be, but let’s talk about what I can AND will be?

If I don’t do this, it’s never been the more perfect time. I’m single, I will not have a car in the next x amount of weeks. I want to work full time. New hope has dozens of places I could work. And I’m sure room for a person without a car? Or until I save from working FT/PT at a serving job

I haven’t blogged it, but I’m nearly convinced to quit my office job and serve full time.

Let’s examine:

I am great at serving, I consistently make good money, I like being “good” at my job, I’m too smart for my current job, I have too much joy to keep behind a cubicle. I’m light on my feet, I’m quick, I walk fast, I want to be the server I’ve always wanted to have. I made a whole lsit at work.

I’m going to treat life differently. I’m going to treat life from a third party perspective. I’m going to live life like a video game.

I’m going to level up, and make life a game.

[[[[I’m calling myself Dora in this blog]]]]

Dora came home after work and wanted to laze around on her phone. She knew she had things to do, she knew she had to clean her room, had to BLOG SOMETIME TODAY

Dora had a choice:

• Lay on her bed and look at her phone (+ 0 to personal growth, society, her future)
• Clean up the garage and her room some, (Good for: Future, Progress, Mental health)

The choice was obvious! So she cleaned up the garage almost complete, and she got some things cleaned up in her room. Her intention is to radiate outward. Start with the small, manageable, and think of things to accomplish for the long term project. Feel good about getting the small stuff done, so you’e in the headspace that you have already done so much.

I want a nice body, I want to be the 31 year old, full-time server, with a studio apartment, a cat, a lot of money, a lot of friends and people tp smile with..

The only way to accomplishment a nice body, is doing the work. I have to make a decision to do the work.

This sounds cliche but I’m not about to start right now because carrying boxes still makes my arms tired. Putting in my coffee in and out of the microwave made my arms tired. My arms are tired now, ouch.

But we perserve forward.

The only way I, Dora, will achieve the life and body I want, is to work for the life and body I want.

I must find a somewhat affordable studio, I must work for the full time job. The only thing holding me back is me, but the only thing that needs this to get going is me!

And I cant move forward and make progress if I”m literally holding myself back.

So many people do what I want to do, and can do, and will do!

I have to make a conscious decision to make this big decision by making all of these small decisions first, and correctly? That’s hard work! Hand on my arms are hurting, I’m holding them up at an angle kinda, I have to sit up

Okay I’m sat up.

I don’t know if the term is Black Widow but I haven’t been treating men the nicest, I now realize. Also See: being called out.

Disregarding their feelings, and treating them like they’re on a shelf in the supermarket, there for me to look at and maybe grab, or maybe leave them and hope they’re on the shelf the next time I look. Which is sooner than I thought, oof dunk on me. Home dunk. SELF dunk.

I need to work on myself, and I should get off Tinder if I don’t have intentions of more than hooking up with these guys. I cannot wait to leave this house and have my own apartment. I’m saving so much money, so maybe save up until I can get a car? Or by like February at the latest? I’ll hopefully have a car by then.

I’m thinking of moving to [CITY] and becoming either a full-time server, or have two part time jobs

Can you imagine coming home weekly with the amount of money I could? Working x amount of hours?

It fits my sleep schedule, I like working around, I’m good at it, OTHER PEOPLE DO IT, there are plenty of jobs in [CITY] and it is getting to be the holiday season and it’s fall and ppl love this little town. I can maybe work there on the weekends, see how it is, and then work full time there somehow.

I’m watching Love is Blind right now, and there is one guy Sam is such a terrible person, literally it’S LIKE HE MEMORIZED THE PLAYBOOK OF WHAT EVERY MAN HAS EVER SAID WHEN THEY MET FOR THE FIRST TIME

:just trust me” “just trust me” “I’m going to take such good care of you” He’s said “And trust me” like EIGHT TIMES I swear to gosh. I hope she realizes it.

I could work in any restaurant in any city and make great money, so why don’t I? I won’t just say I want to do it, but I WANT TO, AND iF I NEED IT TO HAPPEN, I HAVE TO DO IT. I have to put in the work. Beth (older sister-keep up) worked so hard to get to where she is. She didn’t waste hours lying on her bed looking at her dumb phone. I’m thinking of downgrading my phone. I don’t need all that I need. You know, I did just get a new fucking phone, duh.

I’m going to wrap this post up; but first – things I am grateful for.

• My mom – we are spending so much time together! We watch baseball together, we sit on the patio and out in the garage together. She gave me big hugs after the relationship ended (still OUCH to say) and was there to listen to me.
• Grateful for a bed to sleep in. I’m been so gross and neglecting showering. I do it to “train my hair” not to be as greasy, but I’ve just been lazy, knowing I need a shower. I will do better
• GRATEFUL FOR MY ANTIDEPRESSANT WHICH SUPPRESSES MY APPETITE TO HELP ME BE KINDA HUNGRY AND GO TO BED A LITTLE HUNGRY BC I HAVE WEIGHED TOO MUCH (125 is the heaviest recorded weight) and no joke it is tOO MUCH, MAN.’

Okay gotta get to bed, ttyl, internet!