DEADPENNY (in the Mortal Coil)

I forget what I was going t write about

October 5th, 2024
How quaint lol. oh okay so I was dumped recently, I think that’s been established. Fact.

Well, that… that sucked. So much. BUT in the process of dating him, the following things happened BECAUSE of that:
- Got a good deal on car insurance, I spoke with him about it, his mom knew a lot.
- I bought myself a new phone with his advice
- I got myself a high interest savings account, he helped me do it
- He helped me do my taxes, knew how to get them done
- He made me an excel sheet with adjustable equations for my finances
- He helped me make a plan for my student loans
- I was encouraged to get a second job to pay for it and yes I love extra $$ but I’m looking for a new place atm, I gave my resignation
- I started cutting my hair myself and it looks as good if I style it, lol
- (The above thing saves money)
- I paid off a chunk of it all at once
- He helped me move out of my apartment ! WOW wow. helped me with the LEASE TOO. HE REAd the lease that my ex could not NOT pay his half of the rent, (we used to live together)
- He made me feel confident about the future
(TBC)))))

dating him,
PREVIOUSLY ON…’

October 4th, 2024

If you were to ask me who the laziest person I know, I would say it is myself.It is almost sinful. And I realize that overall, I cannot believe I am half of the man dad s – who is literally the hardest working person *I* know.

I am so privleged to even WRITE this. In my life – I had my car insurance chosen and provided/paid for; had my EZ pass paid for by, I was told to buy a Honda or Toyota; I was told it has to be beige. I came home because I had to, only moved out with PRUSSIA out of half desperation. just. And then PRSA2LOL help made me a lot A LOT of desions .cs .

He helped me buy a new phone, he literally researched them for me; helped me buy a VERY nice laptop, wow. It’s everything I’ve ever needed. Just like the fresh ground coffee beans from Nicaragua!

LOL like the wife in the truman show advertising for coffee, that was pretty funny.

Off track – I was recently diagnosed with OCD which, thank god bc the anxiety and worry I had was not normal. Not the normal amoint

Right now, I’m outside on my parent’s patio, sitting by a bonfire I made with my sister. I use the word ‘with’ liberaly because she was just sitting with me on the patio, but at the other side of the table.

I PROMISE you – the below photo is the first and last AI image I will ever create.

that is NOT my patio situation lol

Maybe I’ll post a pic laterrrr skater

When I don’t have my laptop open, I have a very wise and conscious train of thought. And as soon as I open it, I feel the obligation

Hey for true crime’s sake, if I don’t make a new post by, let’s say, Tuesday, I will have been murdered

i DON’T KNOW why I do that though? Why do I thnik about a scenarion that is very unlikely, (but still possible?) idk

brb I’m texting that hot guy and wI’ll codename him.. (or will I ??? psychooogical trick?) obviously. IVY

When I was on my l… fungal trip last weekend, (oh BOy)

I am nowhere near where I started to be at, but of course that’s okay. Because (this i S A JOKE I DID NOT WRITE, BEAR ME REPEATING (?) the Jelly bean guy in
Rick and Morty

“isn’t that what adventures do? Referencing getting on the rails quite a bit.

Oh, OH, so SO during the ‘upwards’ of my vacation with the fun guys, I reached out to IVY & PHL, offering to deliver cookies to them, because I wanted them for myself, but they didn’t deliver to where I was.

The crickets are always so loud. It’s too rude to rub your stupid little violin-esque LEGS ALL THE TIME you’re disturbing the spacetime continuum.

I need to change. Things are not doing anything. I want to: work somewhere by the beach (#islnd)

I want to live by the ocean and take it easy. I want to work hard at a busy resturant during the on season, and part time, or something else chill. I save money, I rent a room, somehoe? I’ll have to actually sit down.

One second. I’ll be back. ESPECIALLY (and I guess hopefully? weirdly? I’ll lucily hopefully be back before tuesday lol.
I don’t know how to press ‘go’

October 4th, 2024

This sounds very privileged to type it but I have coasted into adulthood; I hae had major decisions made for me ofver the course of my entire life. I’m turning 31 in a few weeks, (I have to tell you what we’re planning! Unless I have already done so. Pause one sec, time to eat some yogurt

(TO BE CONTINUED)
The aftermaths (if you’re in England)

October 3rd, 2024

I had a wonderful time by myself at the house. I smoked some mj and I ended up taking some magic mushroom. It was a fantastic time. But, not ideal.

The mushroom was in an edible brownie, and there were like 15 small little doses/blocks. 1-2 is considered a microdose; 3-5 is considered “Therapeutic,” and 6-8 is Astral Project.

I had previously done these mushrooms before; 1.5 on a weekend trip with family,

Family trip/game night

we played this really fun game called Telestrations, and it’s kind of like “whisper down the lane” but with drawings. So you pick a card, and on a small, whiteboard notebook, you draw the word on your car. No words, no numbers. Then you close the book and pass it to the person next to you.

They open it, try and guess what your drawing it, then write their guess on another page. Then they pass it again. And that person then draws the word, rinse and repeat.

I then later did 2 bars with my friend M. We had rented a cheap, nice hotel room and took the mushrooms, we had munchy kind food but we couldn’t fully relax immediately, we went in and out of the room. Not the best experience.

This past weekend, I was there from Thurs. PM to Monday PM. On Saturday mid-afternoon, I take 3 doses. I get some things ready, but what I experienced was not at all what I thought was going to happen. I knew I needed a bigger dose.

On Sunday, I had to wait until my uncle left who was working on something in the house until 7:30 UGH

Took it, was up until at least 12:30, but I had at least one epiphany. I see everything differently now, and it’s scary.

I have vehemently not wanted kids since high school, I’m in my early thirties btw. And over the weekend, in my experience, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to have a kid but more like raise a kid,

In my terms, we are all blocks of marble, rising endlessly, and life is what you carve of it. Some blocks haven’t been touched, some have been nicely decorated, and others are ragged and rough.

All marbles will grow. All with eventually crumble. But I literally have the power to help another marble grow up. I literally have the power to make a younger marble’s life better. I can give that person a good life, and I can support them. But it’s obviously so much more than that.

Anyhow, it was a great experience. But my birthday is soon coming up, and I have plans to go to the coast again with my friend and my sister, and I am so excited to take some shrooms again.

At one point, I sat outside on the driveway, facing east, and feeling the wind come over my skin, over my clothes, around my jaw. The strong wind passing over me were literally in France at some point; the molecules in the wind have been everything else on earth.

It was truly a sensational experience. This wind traveled thousands of miles to me. Absoultely unreal.”

Okay this and else to be updated later xo
Well, let’s do It; I want to Do it

September 27th, 2024

I’m having a heck of a weekend. I have booked my grandmother’s shore house right on the ocean, and it’s beautiful.

[If you sounds like you or someone you love, or even know, please take the next exit and stop reading. perhaps enjoy something else instead. The internet is such a big place, as we all know.

This is a weekend for getaway, for a private retreat, the first HOLD ON
A good night with sister

September 25th, 2024

Went over to Summer’s place. Picked up [LOCAL ICE CREAM] on the way for us, I got a somewhat foreign, to me, concept but it was just okay

Anywho! I’ve decided to stay the night, so I engaged with the j, and then we talked a bit, watched our show, made very similar comments like because the team that should have been voted in in our reality show WAS NOT VOTED IN

Anyway we had a good, fun sister night! Kinda like old times, enjoying a j and talking about life. It’s nice to have a friend

The dog is right next to me, I’ll post a pic

(In advance, you’re welcome)

Oh she is such a big baby and I love her.

Okay, I have to get somewhat back on track here. The video game track. The Level Up, the LUs, the Lewes, the Louis’s.

I deserved and had some good times since the break up. needed boosts of the nice chemicals, and that feeling you when when you’re eating a blizzard, that MAY or MAY NOT have flipped upside down because he put it in a bag before I saw

okay good night f o l k s
“I’ll blog about it later”

September 24th, 2024
Well, later can be now, you know? I now kind of know. I looked at my laptop as if to get it and said “I’ll blog about it later” but if I always say that when I look at my laptop, then no writing will get done.

Okay, things are hard. Have I posted that I was broken up with? This is a terrible feeling! Wow! I’ve never been broken up with, and wow, oof. I had cried a lot, a lot. I handled it rather well; I accepted it and went to sit on the curb, sat on the curb and then sat onto the ground. (Ex-boyfriend is Kenny)

Kenny: What are you doing?

Me: Sitting, I am just sitting.

He told me I could do whatever I wanted with his robe (first, objectively, thank you, because it’s a nice robe.) (He lent it to me to keep in bed and cuddle with) Also!! I was going to mention (in the blog) it was a rather nice robe but I didn’t want to mention its niceness to allude to the fact that he works out and has a nice paying job. That’s a fact of life, it may not tie in or help to connect any dots in the future, but it’s true so why not write it? Already in the non-fiction section, bro!

OH and he earlier gave me his bottle of cologne that was about a 6th of the way empty, so I would spray it with cologne to smell like him.

I told him, just then in the parking lot, that I will give it back to him. We weren’t far from my house, so I started to walk back. He asked if I wanted a ride in the car, and I said no, but if you want to drive there so you won’t have to walk back, you should. [he said some inspiring or something shit just here]

And he said no, I’ll walk with you. So we’re walking up the street, Ik’m on the left and I start walking faster just to get it all over with, we’re not talking.

He waits at the street corner of my house, I go inside, I basically throw myself in side; “Kenny broke up with meeeeee” and I’m wailing for a second. My parents were both very surprised, mom was shocked. I get his things from my room, am walking back outside. I hand them to him, he says a few things but I can’t really hear or pay attention because of what’s happening in my brain??

He’s saying like, “you’re going to do great and save up for retirement and do great things” And I just look kinda around him, not really at him, and I say “thank you for the kind words and advise.” I start walking away slow.

He says “are you okay? You look weird” and I nidded and said yes,

I go inside and sit on the floot, put my phone next to me. He calls, asks if I can come meet him at the street. I agree and walk down’ he;s not there yet, I am standing, bent in half, my hands on my knees, and i am suffering. I am nearly and qietly wailing, I am distraught. He comes up and I ask, “What can I do for you?” with a smile on my crying face

he tells me he hopes I understand he didn’t mean anything when he said I looked weird, he didn’t mean it in a negative way, just in a different way. And I don’t remember exsctly what I said, but I just nodded and said, no it’s fine. I get it.

And he says “he didn’t want to burn the bridge” and I say,

“you didn’t burn it; the bridge just isn’t there anymore.” and I turned and went inside, he said

“take care” or something, and I agreed, or whatever.

We had shared our location with each other a little bit ago, and I looked at his location for two minutes, saw he waited in his car for two minutes before leaving. I then turned off my location serving with him, I stopped looking at his (like I unfollowed him or whatever you do) and I deleted his texts, and his contact. I still have to go through my photos.

This is overwhelming – being on my own. Having to “do life” by myself. I stayed in this area because we may have needed to move somewhere closer to [STATE] for his job. My previous relationship – moved to [CITY] for his job.

To phrase it bluntly, I had a quick turnaround for serious boyfriends. I was never on my own for too long, at least not with the ability, and the money and the lack of strings tying me here.

I could work on a fishing boat, I could move to Vegas. I could work as a firefighter, I could run a marathon. I know what I could be, but let’s talk about what I can AND will be?

If I don’t do this, it’s never been the more perfect time. I’m single, I will not have a car in the next x amount of weeks. I want to work full time. New hope has dozens of places I could work. And I’m sure room for a person without a car? Or until I save from working FT/PT at a serving job

I haven’t blogged it, but I’m nearly convinced to quit my office job and serve full time.

Let’s examine:

I am great at serving, I consistently make good money, I like being “good” at my job, I’m too smart for my current job, I have too much joy to keep behind a cubicle. I’m light on my feet, I’m quick, I walk fast, I want to be the server I’ve always wanted to have. I made a whole lsit at work.

I’m going to treat life differently. I’m going to treat life from a third party perspective. I’m going to live life like a video game.

I’m going to level up, and make life a game.

[[[[I’m calling myself Dora in this blog]]]]

Dora came home after work and wanted to laze around on her phone. She knew she had things to do, she knew she had to clean her room, had to BLOG SOMETIME TODAY

Dora had a choice:
- Lay on her bed and look at her phone (+ 0 to personal growth, society, her future)
- Clean up the garage and her room some, (Good for: Future, Progress, Mental health)
The choice was obvious! So she cleaned up the garage almost complete, and she got some things cleaned up in her room. Her intention is to radiate outward. Start with the small, manageable, and think of things to accomplish for the long term project. Feel good about getting the small stuff done, so you’e in the headspace that you have already done so much.

I want a nice body, I want to be the 31 year old, full-time server, with a studio apartment, a cat, a lot of money, a lot of friends and people tp smile with..

The only way to accomplishment a nice body, is doing the work. I have to make a decision to do the work.

This sounds cliche but I’m not about to start right now because carrying boxes still makes my arms tired. Putting in my coffee in and out of the microwave made my arms tired. My arms are tired now, ouch.

But we perserve forward.

The only way I, Dora, will achieve the life and body I want, is to work for the life and body I want.

I must find a somewhat affordable studio, I must work for the full time job. The only thing holding me back is me, but the only thing that needs this to get going is me!

And I cant move forward and make progress if I”m literally holding myself back.

So many people do what I want to do, and can do, and will do!

I have to make a conscious decision to make this big decision by making all of these small decisions first, and correctly? That’s hard work! Hand on my arms are hurting, I’m holding them up at an angle kinda, I have to sit up

Okay I’m sat up.

I don’t know if the term is Black Widow but I haven’t been treating men the nicest, I now realize. Also See: being called out.

Disregarding their feelings, and treating them like they’re on a shelf in the supermarket, there for me to look at and maybe grab, or maybe leave them and hope they’re on the shelf the next time I look. Which is sooner than I thought, oof dunk on me. Home dunk. SELF dunk.

I need to work on myself, and I should get off Tinder if I don’t have intentions of more than hooking up with these guys. I cannot wait to leave this house and have my own apartment. I’m saving so much money, so maybe save up until I can get a car? Or by like February at the latest? I’ll hopefully have a car by then.

I’m thinking of moving to [CITY] and becoming either a full-time server, or have two part time jobs

Can you imagine coming home weekly with the amount of money I could? Working x amount of hours?

It fits my sleep schedule, I like working around, I’m good at it, OTHER PEOPLE DO IT, there are plenty of jobs in [CITY] and it is getting to be the holiday season and it’s fall and ppl love this little town. I can maybe work there on the weekends, see how it is, and then work full time there somehow.

I’m watching Love is Blind right now, and there is one guy Sam is such a terrible person, literally it’S LIKE HE MEMORIZED THE PLAYBOOK OF WHAT EVERY MAN HAS EVER SAID WHEN THEY MET FOR THE FIRST TIME

:just trust me” “just trust me” “I’m going to take such good care of you” He’s said “And trust me” like EIGHT TIMES I swear to gosh. I hope she realizes it.

I could work in any restaurant in any city and make great money, so why don’t I? I won’t just say I want to do it, but I WANT TO, AND iF I NEED IT TO HAPPEN, I HAVE TO DO IT. I have to put in the work. Beth (older sister-keep up) worked so hard to get to where she is. She didn’t waste hours lying on her bed looking at her dumb phone. I’m thinking of downgrading my phone. I don’t need all that I need. You know, I did just get a new fucking phone, duh.

I’m going to wrap this post up; but first – things I am grateful for.
- My mom – we are spending so much time together! We watch baseball together, we sit on the patio and out in the garage together. She gave me big hugs after the relationship ended (still OUCH to say) and was there to listen to me.
- Grateful for a bed to sleep in. I’m been so gross and neglecting showering. I do it to “train my hair” not to be as greasy, but I’ve just been lazy, knowing I need a shower. I will do better
- GRATEFUL FOR MY ANTIDEPRESSANT WHICH SUPPRESSES MY APPETITE TO HELP ME BE KINDA HUNGRY AND GO TO BED A LITTLE HUNGRY BC I HAVE WEIGHED TOO MUCH (125 is the heaviest recorded weight) and no joke it is tOO MUCH, MAN.’
Okay gotta get to bed, ttyl, internet!
Called into work

September 23rd, 2024

Well, I’m slowly starting to find out what I want to do. I want to move to New Hope, work one full time job or two part times (can get more hours total without going into overtime)

I’ll see how I fare without a car
Technology (am I right?)

September 23rd, 2024

Ahhh the computer wasn’t working. It’s a very nice laptop but WordPress was actually the culprit

Man, being broken up with sucks. I now see the red flags to him, and the objective picture. He was just too attractive and too many not ideal things

MY DAY

Used ChaptGPT to help determine where I want to live, what I want to do for life. It’s a real pivotal, foot on the gas pedal kinda moment. So I’m going to visit New Hope, this town by the river on the borderland of NJ and PA

they have a gay / pride scene which is kewl, and it would be nice to have a small apt w a smol cat and work as a waitress

Literally making a living wage, not living m-f

I MISS the days where I could make doctors appts during the week. And dentists. And sleep in. Fuck the nine to five I’m seeing dollah signs in my eyes (the Internet) #song
(more…)
I just got CALLED OUT

September 22nd, 2024

oof this is a doozy. When I got a new phone, a lot of old, previously-deleted contacts re-appeared. I’ve been reaching out here and there.

And last night, I was getting kinda turned on and reached out when I should not have. This guy named Leo. Was in college with, we kind of half dated and a time. when we did meet back up together , to me at least it always felt like there’s potential of a spark.

He texts back, he asks if I can do him a favor, I say yes, and he says:

“Stop wasting your time and others. And do something more meaningful with your life. You’ll get more fulfillment in the long run rather than listen to some idiot telling you to text people.”

oof

That’s what I needed to hear. And that’s from someone whose opinion I hold in high regard. If anyone was to say that, it would be him.