DEADPENNY (in the Mortal Coil)

This is today’s

Eating Oreos, prepping henna chicks (hen AND chicks) for sale at upcoming fall fest

My phone is a way to contact me, but it feels like. Loud fucking beacon I have to answer all the time and i am tired of it

I need to find more mature ppl to connect w

I think my overall anxiety is me knowing I’m not doing things right because I know what the right things are, and it was born being told to always do the right thing, show this to my therapist, first also let me get a therapist

he’s watching a movie and said he’d text me when it’s over

And I just now searched online for the runtime

he’s really so splendid

• Looked at my credit statement
• activated my new Amex credit card
• Cancelled my kindle subscription
• Cancelled my Peacock TV subscription
• Made my car payment [plus some]
• IMPORTANT ADDITION:
  • Realized I can’t pay a car financing payment with a credit card lmaoooowow
  • Realized it just means I have to plan out and buy all of my things now, on this credit card [I got it
• Added my new CC to my car insurance auto-pay
• Ordered contacts

So, you bought a website. You took the largest chocolate mushroom trip you’ve taken to date, alone, and had an epiphany [as one does].

you thought of starting a self-sevelopment project, and had always known you wanted to start a blog. You like to write, you think the idea of blogs are cool. Hyperbole and a Half was the absolute sh*t.

So you thought of a domain name, and then you bought it. You established anonymity off the bat, and you really haven’t found out how to do the fancy links. Type and post, type and post.

You surprisingly don’t really even [yet?] edit your posts. And you expect to write daily, establish your life. Be the blogger you wanted to be, to write about. To be the author of the blogs you liked.

But that’s not the life I live, so how can I write about it? Why choose to live a life of displeasure only to write about it?

I love my life, I do. Aside from my job, but my job has changed my life indirectly.

You shouldn’t nickname your own things, but I am, for lack of a better term, designating this the ‘Seinfeld’ blog, mixed with a bit of ‘Whose Line is it Anyway?’ [the original, of course, don’t make me specify] but not the part about things being made up but the part where the points don’t matter [there are no points, thus they do not matter]

This is going to be my blog.

“So you think you can end a blog post with ‘This is going to be my blog.’? Think again, punk.”

Do you need an autopsy performed? To see what I’m made of?

Would you like the usual Y-cut? Unsure if I can cut through my sternum.

To see the person that you can’t see on the outside. Pull me apart, dissect and put back like nothing happened. It’s fine. The scar will heal. Not anytime soon.

see what I’m made of.

I am going to look into a therapist specializing in OCD, I am suffering

I’ve been reading Kolk’s “The Body Keeps the Score” and I think my experiences with my angry father were more traumatic than I once thought.

Combined with OCD, anxiety, depression when I moved away to college, and outside stressors (deaths of people close to me) my brain hasn’t felt in a normal state for like a decade

And Kolk’s research shows three general phases of what our bodies do during traumatic events:

1. We first reach out for social engagement – we cry in hopes someone will notice our distress, we’ll scream, we’ll wince, call out for help

If no one comes to our aid:

2. we go into fight-or-flight mode. We try to flee, escape the scene, the thing or person, or if we can’t run we flight, claw, scratch, kick

But again, if we are unable to flee, like trapped physically, environmentally, or mentally, or if we can’t fight back, like we’re not strong enough or don’t want to risk angering someone further:

3. We dissociate/collapse. Our brain can’t handle the traumatic event occurring. We try and hide away the pain and fear, anger, shame, etc. so it gets blocked out as best it can

So as best it can, our brain tries to constantly hide away the event. It’s trying to suppress the memory, it’s sometimes reliving the traumatic event, it’s trying to be alert for current possible threats, trying to maintain a normal outward appearance.

And then you’re telling me I have to get a job, work to keep up relationships outside of my family, not only eat but eat WELL and ENOUGH but NOT TOO MUCH but I have to stay HEALTHY and EXERCISE but I am UNDERWEIGHT because I am ANXIOUS and cannot eat

So yah my dad had a temper when we were kids. Can’t get into it now without crying lol

But in relation to Kolk’s 3-stage processing of trauma:

1. My calls for outward social support fell on deaf ears and my tears flowed in front of blind eyes. my mom was not going to intervene, I know he would have gotten angry at her.
2. I could not fight my dad, didn’t want to hurt him, but I couldn’t get away, I couldn’t leave, I had to just fucking take his yelling. I was trapped

And I’ve had the worst couple of weeks I’ve had in a while, stress wise. Everything is piling up

So yeah I need help

Thought it was normal to worry all the time, thought everything my dad said was like THE way do it

Then I’m like oh shucks this is anxiety, this sucks

Then I get diagnosed with OCD – yes OKAY now we are talking!!! That’s it bb

and in addition to just everything, I realized that i did experience trauma when I was younger. Trauma as a kid can take the form of a verbal assault; a loud and irrational temper from a parent that I didn’t often see through the week

ANYWAY thanks for listening. I’m not a psychologist but my brain is so so tired